In a recent couples coaching session, I communicated an invaluable truth around the concept of  “creating space.”  The couple worked together & lived together.  The tension of “breaking up” was underneath the conversation.  They had a lot to lose; many years together, a home and a business.  Both were looking for a reason to “blow it up” because they just couldn’t stand it anymore.

What I said:  “I don’t think that there is anything wrong with this relationship.”  She laughed~loudly in intermittent bursts.  He looked stunned.

What I didn’t say:  “You are driving each other crazy.”

What I suggested?  Find a “friendly” way to take some space!

“Taking some space” has evolved into modern lingo for breaking up super gently or stopping the relationship for a time before the BIG, REAL breakup.   That borders on the “unfriendly” because it scares the crap out of each person by suggesting loss and suspended commitment.  That term or solution can be loaded with ultimatums and drama.

Taking space in a “friendly” or safe way is a skill we already have.  We do it in friendships all the time.  We call each other up when we are ready to see each other.  We make a date to enjoy the relationship.  Then we go home happy.

At work, we schedule a period off.  It’s called a vacation. Or a weekend.

You think you can’t do it in your closest relationship? Simply put, if  you don’t, you’ll kill it. Slowly by smother-ation! All the oxygen leaves the relationship.   It feels like you are dying.

How to take friendly space?   Notice when you feel like being close to the other person.  Take that all the way~PLAY IT BIG!  Cook your favorite elaborate meals.  Sex them up real good. Squeeze em, kiss em, laugh till it hurts. Act as if seeing this person is a big deal! (What a treat!)  Go for long, fun walks.  Pray and Play together.  Get that emotional, spiritual and physical connection filled all the way up.

THEN  when you notice the slightest irritation or itch for some personal space, TAKE IT!  Say, “Hey, it’s been incredible being with you today (or for the weekend). I feel so fulfilled in our relationship. Now I want to take some space to create/do my own thing.  I love you.  I’ll talk to you later.  Bye!”  Then actually go do your own thing.

You say, But I’m married! or We live in the same house!

Yeah, so.  Take a night and a day.  Take a weekend. Try it on.  Or if you cannot possibly leave each others’ space, call a quiet time for your own thoughts.  No talking.   Spend the night at a friends house.  Leave and notice when you DO want to come home.  Give yourself a chance to miss and desire your partner.

Sounds easy right?  It is but you have to get used to it.   Some of us just don’t know how to do our own thing.  This happens when kids grow up and moms don’t know what to do with their  new occupation of non-mom-ness.  We have to learn by asking ourselves “What do I want to do right now?”  and then follow that lead.  Lack of space can be an avoidance of  our creativity.  It can be an avoidance of being with ourselves.

I had a tough time adjusting to this in my love relationships.  I thought something might be broken if one of us needed space. Then I realized that my mother (bless her) couldn’t stand being alone and used to drive us crazy by not giving us a spare hour to ourselves.  We learned to “not hear her” calling us.  Tuning her out was our sanity.

Our early childhood  is where we develop our patterns so I learned to keep love close.  Too close.  As a result, the passion fizzled.  The art never happened.  Creativity only occurred when my partner went on vacation till PING! I figured it out.

Time to take space.  Oxygenate.  It’s a beautiful, loving thing to do.

The Shoe Faerie came into my life long ago.   She was quite shy so I had no idea what she really did.   It is only recently that I found out that she has an ebay store and finds cute quality shoes to resell.  My clients appreciate cute, nearly new shoes.  Now I have a personal shoe shopper for my clients who can look for deals and notify my clients if something comes available in their size and favorite styles!

The Shoe Faerie has been shopping for me! She found a super cute black purse with studs and some fabulous shoes.  I couldn’t believe the joy I felt when she handed them to me! Someone shopping…for ME???!!!!  Wow! What a feeling!  I understood the value of someone taking their time to find something for me.  It gave me an idea of what it feels like to be on the receiving end (of what I do.) Thanks for the amazing gift you gave me, Shoe Faerie!!

You can follow her on Twitter as @TheShoeFaerie . She’s just getting started tweeting, but she’s been a seller on ebay for many moons. I love her taste.  I hope you enjoy her magical finds, too!

Sea Fan Series

Stepping into APPRECIATION this morning. The most important thing to getting what you want in life (a.k.a “manifesting”) is FEELING GOOD!! 1st appreciation: My amazing haircut from Nick James 801.466.4199

What are some things you can do to FEEL GOOD right now?? I just had angel food cake with cherries & cacao chocolate sauce for breakfast!! **#*#*#* HA HA!!!

Consignment is a great way to pass along what’s no longer working for you and make money at the same time. However, there are a few simple guidelines that you must follow to make it worth your while! If you’re not interested in doing these things, then drop your items off at your favorite charity. Quickly getting rid of items that don’t light you up is the main thing! Get that stuff out of your energetic field as quickly as possible and into the hands of someone that can use it! If you’re the type that likes details and making money from your clothes, here is what you will need to do.

You will need bright DAYLIGHT to see your clothes. Go over them visually front and back in bright daylight, inside and out. Notice if there is fading, stitching issues, missing buttons, broken zippers, stains or hems that are ripped or falling out. No one wants to buy clothing that they have to work on. Take it to alterations if it makes the cut and get it sold. Look at the item as if YOU YOURSELF WERE GOING TO PURCHASE IT! How much would you pay for it? If the item still has tags, you’re going to have better luck. Shoes and belts: How new do they look? Wipe them down inside and out with a wet wipe and shine them.

1. CLEAN. A no brainer, you say? Unfortunately not. People have many items that they THINK are clean but are dirty, stained, torn, worn, and damaged, have pet hair and/or deodorant stains (or worse!) Think: Would I want to try on something with deodorant or dog hair? What value would that item have for you? $5? Or ick!!! Hardly worth your time. Clean means clean. Freshly washed or dry-cleaned. Smell them. If they have any kind of smell, whether it’s perfume or incense or smoke, that means dirty. Your clothes need to smell fresh when they arrive at the consigners. Make sure there is no smoke or animal hair in the car you take them in, or package them all in plastic for the drive. Do not put them into the car until the day you have your appointment. Stuff that stays in your car will get “dirty” quickly and you will have to start all over again!
2. WRINKLE FREE AND ON HANGERS. Make sure the hangers fit so the clothes don’t fall off and don’t get stretched out with shoulder nipples. Iron your clothes only if you are talented at it because many people damage their clothing by using an iron that is dirty or scorches their clothes. So, unless you are a precise old German or my Aunt Millie, have the cleaners do it and then take them to the consignment shop directly!
3. SEASONAL and CURRENT. Clear out your clothes at the first sign of the new season and call to make your consignment appointment. Consignment stores are usually small, so they are picky about taking things in season. Vintage would be the exception to “current styles” within the last 2 years. Time is of the essence. The longer you keep clothes you don’t want, the more they lose value.
4. DESIGNER or BRAND NEW CONDITION. Generally speaking, most consignment stores are looking for gently used or new items of 2 years or less. Other stores are looking for vintage or unusual items from the 1960’s back. Other stores may consider buying your new items outright. The better care you have taken of your clothes will pay you higher dividends, depending on the store.

Consignment stores vary in quality and price. Check them out and see what the split is. The average is 40% -50%, which is great considering they are paying the overhead! After 30 -90 days, your clothes will be drastically marked down, so keep up with your dates. If it doesn’t sell, consider picking it up or have the store donate it to charity. For valuable items over $150, I would say try first on EBay, which has a global customer base or KSL or Craig’s list. Remember to take a great photo that makes your item look it’s best. The selling price most stores will start with is 1/3 of current retail value.

Many people over-value their old clothes. My theory is that it dates back to our DNA from the Great Depression. If it has some use in it, it has value. (Well, maybe if you live on a farm). For the rest of us, if our clothes don’t look nice, we don’t look nice. This is why I’m such a stickler for quality, best colors and best styles for your body type. Clothing is a serious investment of time, money and energy and should not be taken lightly, just like the investment of a home. Consigning clothes will help you realize this and give you greater caution when purchasing. Using a great image stylist or wardrobe consultant could easily save you thousands over the years if they can advise you on the best styles, colors and cuts that work for you so that you will actually love your clothes and take good care of them!

Sadly, many great stores have gone out of business this last year. Here is an updated local list to check into.

• 3300 South/Highland
  • Cassandra’s Closet: 801) 484-2522 Ann Taylor to St. John, great jewelry!
  • Consignment Circuit: 801) 486-6960 Lorie likes unusual items, retro or vintage. (80’s or earlier) One of my favorites!
  • Name Droppers: 801) 474-1644 Designer & nearly new. J Crew & above. They have an outlet store on Parley’s where their designer items are 50 -75% off.
  • Decades and Retro Rose no longer consign, but they do buy vintage outright.
• Park City
  • The Xchange Consignment : 435-649-3360 Men’s & Women’s 350 1/2 Main Street, Park City, UT
• Bountiful
  • Yours, Mine & Ours: 801) 299-1515 Men’s consignment as well as women’s & kids. Designer bags & other household items. 177 W 300 S, Bountiful, UT

Auretha Callison is an Image Styling & Branding Coach in Salt Lake & Park City, Utah. www.IntuitionStyling.com